Look Back.
October.
How it felt, what I said I’d do, what I did, and what I’m taking out of it.
How’d I do?
Looking Back on the month, this month specifically, is fucked in a bunch of different structural ways because there’s no way to measure my performance the way I have laid out. October is my birthday, my sobriety anniversary, the day I was most recently left homeless with no place to go, the time I found out eleven years ago I was probably about to lose my job, the time(s) I took fucking CUPCAKES to work for my co-workers in a sad failed attempt to keep a job I STILL lost, the show goes on. October sucks and shouldn’t because I was born in it and all I have are negative fucking milestones and this one is another one I have spent the last five consecutive birthdays 1) sober 2) alone and these things are related. And I have had enough time and consumed enough data to have thoughts on way and in all of those thoughts I have wasted quite a bit of my time. And you don’t get any of that back. So What Comes Next somewhere in that journal I wrote and don’t remember if I deleted “what would make me happy” is time enough to answer that question. I know what I need to answer it I just need time to work my plan. That’s how I feel at the end of this October…I can’t see the week or even yesterday all I can see is all these other fucking Octobers laying on top of each other and it’s shit however I do know and can assure you (this is for me apparently) that the next two are going to be fucking fantastic.
I did not do that fucking treadmill 5K I was leaving the movies Saturday and said “Do you want to go to the gym to say you did? Say it to who?” then I continued home to sit, alone, on my birthday. Would the feeling of accomplishment have helped I’m not sure it would have balanced out how exhausted I was working up the courage just to get dressed to go to the movie if we’re being honest. No regrets.
Ask me after six.
Ask me after six and I’ll have a better answer there is a lot of shit I am still working through.
Five years.
“I started Building all this shit five years ago to keep myself Aligned while staying sober, and this, all of this shit, is a celebration of that. For me, because I don’t have anyone else standing here.”
Week five. Halloween says what I did.
Clean myself up. The gym Wednesday, then Friday and Sunday, in daylight. One week.
No gym. Three walks: Thursday 4:13pm, 2.11 miles; Saturday 1:19pm, 0.77; Sunday 9:20am, 2.61.
Up the protein. Make the shakes. Get into some prep.
Not on the record. Sunday: the day’s meals planned by the hour, in the journal.
October’s deliverables to the committee by Wawa Wednesday, earlier if possible. Maybe Write becomes Build.
Release 1 of the draft, Friday 2:47am: two days after Wawa Wednesday, a day before the birthday.
Write became Build: The Spark went live in the App Store on Saturday.
Day 25’s plan, word for word. Walks: the watch.
October, said vs. did.
A treadmill 5K by October 31. The Rocky Run, Saturday November 14: beat last year’s 36:27.
14 walks, 24.5 miles, October 2 to October 31.
Three lifts: October 2, 6 and 9.
No treadmill 5K. The Rocky Run is in 12 days.
Eat for the run. Sunrise to sunset; shakes morning and evening, nothing heavy after dark.
Not on the record.
Sunday, November 1: the day’s meals planned by the hour, in the journal.
My Drexel dissertation: revise Chapter 1, Chapter 2’s literature review, the data-sources crosswalk. A status to the committee October 19.
October 19: the status, sent. October 30: release 1 of the draft, sent.
Write is also the build. The Spark went from 2.0 to 2.0.5 and into the App Store on October 31. Me & got Running, Sleep and The World. 274 commits across 16 projects.
Walks: Garmin. Lifts: Hevy. Write: the git logs, a day counts if anything was committed. Fuel had no counter in October.
*Fourteen walks, the last one on the birthday, and another Sunday. The lifts stopped after October 9; the treadmill 5K didn’t happen. The dissertation went out twice, by the dates set. The Spark shipped six times and went live on Day 31. Something was built on 28 of 31 days, and every day of October is written down here.
Three things on the screen.
- Run. The split, then the 5K on the 14th, hook or crook.Then keep going in country.
- Fuel. The schedule. Did I hit or miss, then iterate.A twelve-hour time difference resets the rest.
- Write. Revisions to the committee by November 19.When their feedback comes back.
What Comes Next?
Thirty-one Polaroids.
Each Polaroid opens its day.